Monographs 2003
A Change December 28, 2003
New Years resolutions, a dime a dozen. More often than not they fail because we don't have the resolve to work on them. It's sort of like a promise made to someone when you're down. When you are back up and around it takes less than a month to forget about it and go back to your old ways. I probably won't make any this year. No promises to be a better husband or father. I am not sure I have it in me to be better. Besides the girls are doing very well as adults.
Regardless,
I do intend for 2004 to be different. Oh, I will make a change here or there in
the way I do things. Things I used to hesitate to do because I worried what
others might think of me will be of less concern to me than before. It hasn't
mattered much in the last year. Maybe a change will be good for me. You
know...loosen up a bit... enjoy life and friends and special people as the come
in and out of my life. Who knows, it might be fun.
And to my friends who remain, Happy New Year and Thanks for stopping by.
Merry Christmas 2003 December 24, 2003
'Tis the Season, so they say, and all through the house it is hard to find anyone in the Christmas Spirit. Something is different this year. Christmas has slipped up on me. I think that my Early Warning System failed me. In fact the past six months have been a blur. I missed all the Saturdays from August through November when Mary would come home after shopping and having found some great gifts for our daughters. I missed them because they didn't happen. Having shopping season shortened in this house is like canceling deer season all together. It just isn't right. Mary spent time looking for the right stuff. I never knew anyone that was better at knowing just what the girls wanted or needed. And despite the time spent on the disabled list, I'm sure she did just fine this year.
I am also proud of the girls maturity in conveying to Mary their thoughts on taking it easy and now fretting about it. We all are happy she is still with us. That without a doubt is the BEST CHRISTMAS PRESENT OF ALL.
By the way, Happy Birthday, Julie.
To all those traveling this week to see family and friends, take care and God Bless You.
And to my friends who remain, Merry Christmas and Thanks for stopping by.
Old Friends, New Friends December 19, 2003
A few weeks ago I told you (see Thanksgiving 2003) about an effort I was going to make to tell people how their life or actions bless me. I have had the opportunity to do that a few of times and had surprising results each time. Most of the time people have been a bit embarrassed by the statement, proving what most of us already know, that people don't know how to take a complement. Results have yielded an uncomfortable smile and a mumbled thank you, a quick struggle to find words to match mine, one real genuine "thank you, it means a lot to me to be appreciated", an odd look of "what are you talking about", and one "aren't you kind to say that". Whether it made them uncomfortable or not, I felt better for saying it.
Some of my comments were to Old Friends and some were to almost total strangers that are becoming New Friends. I am amazed how just reaching out to someone changes things in their life. Each of us needs a purpose, a reason for doing what we do. It's a big deal when someone recognizes it inside us and acts on that recognition. It is uncomfortable for us to do, and uncomfortable to accept, but it brings a smile to both faces.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Do They Really Know Me? December 13, 2003
I overheard a discussion between my daughter and Mary this week about one of Mary's co-workers. Julie had worked Mary's office for a few days during Mary's recovery. The conversation centered around the co-workers statement that he had been a hippie during his younger years. I couldn't tell from the tone of the conversation where it was going other than a "can you believe that" type of statement. Just the bit that I overheard caused me to think about some things from my past.
I wondered just how well Mary and my daughters know me. How much do they know about me, about my past. Do they know about things in my past that helped make me into the person I am now. Have they ever thought about why I am sometimes hard to get close to. Do they understand why I do and say the things I do. There is lots I would tell them if they asked, but there is just as much or more that I choose not tell to them. Not that I am embarrassed about people knowing, for I spent time in therapy to understand it myself.
We are products of all that happens to us as we grow. I used to say we were victims of our surroundings, but only if we look at it in the negative. The positive side is the preferred viewpoint for me now. The struggles, both good and bad, in your life are just a part of the journey. Me? I'd settle for being loved for who I am.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Thanksgiving 2003 November 26, 2003
My but this has been a year for the records. Without a doubt 2003 has provided us with more to be thankful for than any year I can remember. Of course the biggest event of the year has been Mary's illnesses. It still boggles my mind that someone that has always been so healthy could become so sick so quickly. What a great reminder to us that life is special and to enjoy every minute of it.
But I have many other blessings to be thankful for as well. I plan to spend the next year letting those that are blessings in my life, know it. So I'll start here and even though this list will be short, don't be surprised if at some point in time I come up to you and tell you how your life has blessed mine. Don't be embarrassed about it, accept it with my thanks.
To Mary - You have and continue to bless me with your love and understanding and forgiveness. I am reminded daily of how special and wonderful you are. I am so grateful that God placed you here to share my life.
To Julie and Jessie - One of the greatest commandments is to honor your father and mother that your days on this earth will be long. I am blessed to be your Dad. You both bring me so much delight.
To my friends - each of you in a different way blesses me, whether its simply listening to me when I need to talk, giving advice when I ask for it, or just knowing I can depend on you in time of need. Thanks for being there.
I am so blessed to live in a county that allows us to worship as we want, to agree or disagree with those in leadership, to know that taking a stand for freedom in far away places is important to me. Freedom is not free and I am so blessed by those that put their life on the line so others can get a taste of what we so often take for granted.
So "HAPPY THANKSGIVING". Not just at this time of year, give thanks always.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
The Roller Coaster November 23, 2003
Mary had a 2 day stress test at her cardiologist Thursday and Friday of this past week. A bit of formality on the part of the medical establishment to determine some of the parameters on which she can base the rest of her life. I on the other hand have had a "stress test" every day since she first entered the hospital at the end of July. My stress is a daily routine of thinking about her and what I can do to help her heal. Never mind that my main job during this time was to support her physically, mentally and emotionally. I wanted her healed.
I learned a lot about myself during this time. Probably more than I learned about her. It has been a scary process for me to undergo. I was both stronger and weaker than I thought. I was braver and more frightened than I ever thought I could be. I was both a clear thinker and totally confused. (I won't go as far as saying I was a brilliant thinker, since what I write is not supposed to be fiction.) One moment I was both emotionally strong and later a wreck as I shed tears while praying and asking God why her instead of me and please God take her hurts away. Mostly, I learned that I have never loved anyone as much as I love her. The mere thought of something happening to her is unbearable.
Someone once told me that life is a roller coaster and that we don't ride on the highs or lows the entire ride. Most of the ride is spent in between them. That makes sense to me. We have our highs and lows that stretch us to our limits, but it is the going up that gives us our anticipations and the going down that gives us the thrills. Taken as a whole, that's life.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Wearing a Mask November 14, 2003
Having just gone through Halloween I was thinking back to my youth (Yes I can remember it), and recalling the times I put on a mask to conceal who I really was from our neighbors for the purpose of gaining lots of treats. As an adult I know that even with my cleverest of disguises, those folks knew I was Woody's and Eddie's son. You see even when we try to hide our real identity with a mask, the person we are doesn't really change. We become actors in a way, slipping into a role that merely allows us to escape for a while. We are wearing a mask.
We mask lots of things in our life. I have watched Mary go from extreme pain in her legs last week to feeling good enough to get out and maybe go back to work next week. She is wearing a mask that only hides the pain of her condition. The mask is her medication. Without it her pain would be intense and nearly unbearable. But thanks to her doctor and her meds she can function. We think now that the problem stems from a reaction to a medication she had been taking for about four or five years. Maybe or maybe not. We may never know the cause. Regardless of why, it may take a lot of time for this condition to heal. Until then we mask the pain so that she can function. The condition isn't gone, it is just hidden. I am still praying for God's healing of the problem.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Laughing Out Loud November 2, 2003
Most of the last month has not typically been much to laugh at. Worries and cares about Mary and her health have taken the forefront and with the other things that have to be done, laughter is down the list a ways. I can identify in some way with the struggles of a single parent with small children. There is so much to do when you get home from work that you don't have time to relax and enjoy things. I stayed home a few days last week to take care of Mary while Julie was in North Carolina. Actually I had planned to take care of a couple of bids for the company and catch up on some paper work. I struggled to get those things done, working even Saturday and Sunday to do what should have been done in three. No matter, the point is that sometimes we are so caught up in our duties and responsibilities we don't have time for anything else.
I had to laugh at a comedy of errors that left Mary locked out of the house Saturday. Thank goodness she was laughing about it too. I laughed hard and out loud. It felt good, for all of us to laugh about it. Laughter helps the healing, and for a brief time take away the focus we have on pain and hurt. God gives us much to laugh about. We need to partake of that healing medicine frequently and in big doses.
Returning to Normalcy October 25, 2003
Much of what we do in life falls into a routine that we all have. We wake, eat, work, and sleep. Of course there are variations on our activities but these are the basics that we all have in common. We take this life for granted and never give a second thought to it. We assume that it will always be thus, and we live as though there will never be a change. We put off saying things to others that are dear to us. We fail to ask forgiveness for wrongs we have committed. We fail to remind them how important they really are to us, and how much we enjoy their company. We often do the same to God, and don't hear the gentle whisperings he send us, helping us to not fall into error. No one means to be this way. It seems we just fall into the routines of our lives.
I have spent much of the last month having all this brought to my attention in a most challenging way. Because I didn't heed the gentle whisperings, God had to shout to get my attention. He got my attention through the one person that means the most to me on this earth, Mary. He did it by reminding us all of how fragile life is. Through the past month I have been reminded that I am to cherish, protect, nourish and encourage, but especially to love her with all my heart soul and being, no matter what. I am committed to her, I don't have the option of pursuing only my desires. In a strange way I have rediscovered that I love caring for her and being there for her every need. I have also learned that I can't fix everything like I always felt I could. Actually in retrospect I probably did more damage than good, but fortunately God will take care of that. He only wants me to believe that He is in control of my life and he will direct me as I should go. I just can't get ahead of him. He will make everything right again.
So instead of returning to normal, I am asking God to return us to a new normalcy. One that is more focused on Him and less on ourselves. He has changed things this month, for the better. He is not only mending Mary's heart, but mine as well.
Pray that God will give you a new Normalcy in your life, one that centers around him.
Mary's Surgery October 8, 2003
Mary's home today, thank God. What a week it has been for the Carter family, and what an opportunity to count our blessings. Here is how the 2003 Mary Carter Tour of Hospitals began and a list of the local stops.
A few months ago Mary spent a week in the Leesburg Hospital. She was having severe pain in her abdomen. As a follow up to that she went to a specialist in Orlando to begin preparations to have a portion of her colon removed. This we were told was the standard remedy for the diverticulosis that she had been diagnosed with. The specialist looked at her films and records from the tests and exams taken in the Leesburg Hospital, but found the diagnosis a bit odd. He did another test prior to the scheduled surgery and was not as convinced as the Leesburg doctors that she had divertulosis. On Tuesday September 30, she was admitted to Florida Hospital South for a colonoscopy and then a laproscopic surgery on Wednesday where no diverticuli were found but there were 2 ovarian cysts that were removed. No other problems were found and we were excited to have not removed part of her colon. She came home on Thursday to recover.
On Sunday night she began having a shortness of breath and some mild chest pains. At first we thought she was just experiencing pressure as a result of the carbon dioxide build up from the surgery, but the breathing became more difficult and the pain grew more intense and began radiating down her left arm. She was in the middle of a full blown heart attack, so we rushed to the ER at the new Waterman Hospital for care and treatment. She was stabilized and transferred to Leesburg Regional Medical Hospital for treatment. It turns out that the heart cath revealed no blockages but a genetic defect in one of the three main heart arteries. The artery was extremely small. Unfortunately for now there is nothing to do, because of the size, except to begin a program of medication. Mary has always taken great care of herself from a dietary and exercise standpoint. Now she is fortunate to know what problem and can work to improve the circulation to that part of her heart. It needs a lot of blood, because everyone knows what a big heart she has!!!
Pray that God will increase the blood flow to the part of her heart that is in need of increased circulation.
Riding with Land Pirates September 21, 2003
A couple of months ago I was encouraged (threatened by Land Pirates) to sign up to participate in a very worthwhile charity event for the Multiple Sclerosis Society of North Florida. It involved the usual fund raising for them and what I was assured was an easy bike ride from St Augustine, Florida to Daytona Beach. A quick calculation in my head from the I-95 mile markers I remembered from all our trips to Davidson and Furman told me I was looking at around a fifty-five mile or so ride. My longest ride was about 60 miles on the West Orange Trail so I figured I could handle it easily enough. It turned out that I also had to ride back to St. Augustine as well. And I also found out that you can get to Daytona Beach by going west from St. Augustine, believe it or not. (a little Ripley's Museum humor). As we set out, I remember from my brilliant high school geometry teacher, Mr. Houk, that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. And if my junior high school Geography teacher Mr. Garrett was correct about maps, a city south of another city connected by a straight line doesn't include ride to the west. I recognized for what it was, I had been shanghaied by a group of Land Pirates.
|
|
In reality I knew before hand that the ride was a 150 mile ride to Daytona and back. Although I was surprised when they told me the distance was closer to 80 miles each way. But what the heck, what's a few extra miles among friends. I averaged a bit over 16mph on my way to Daytona on Saturday getting to the half way point in 5 hours and 2 minutes of riding time. Sunday's ride was even faster completing it in 4 hours and 35 minutes as you can see by my computer reading to the left. |
Needless to say I am pleased to have completed the ride without having to be picked up by a SAG vehicle. I am even happier to have raised some money for the National Multiple Sclerosis Society. As I road across the finish line in St. Augustine I was greeted with applause for completing the ride (that was for my benefit), and a big thank you and a hero's medallion from several people with MS (that too was for my benefit) Thinking about the little bit of fundraising I did I thanked God for my health and a promise to do better next time (that was for them).
O.k. now to all the Land Pirates, Thanks for your encouragement on the ride. Thanks Troy, Rod, Karen, Mo, Amy, Bob, Cindy, Carol, Roger, Georgie, John, Ruth, Delbert, Lennox, Alex and Mr. Wonderful, Suzanne, Teresa, and Vinky. (I am still working on the pronunciation of your name) as well as Team Wachovia. (Hope I didn't leave anyone out)I don't think I would have even attempted it without your encouragement. And thanks to Mary, who allows me time to pursue my hobby and the only healthy exercise in my life. Yo Ho Yo Ho, a pirate's life for me!
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Routines September 6, 2003
Time has worked it's way through our life again and I find that the old familiar ways are settling in. Jessie has returned for her Junior year at Furman University in Greenville, South Carolina. This year she has taken on a role as a "FRAD" or Freshman Advisor to 12 or so Freshman Girls in Ramsay Hall. She seemed very excited about getting back after a short visit home, sandwiched between her summer project in Myrtle Beach.
Julie is finding it comfortable to be home again after 2 years of working for Davidson College. Thank goodness she has been around during Mary's illness and recovery. I would have been more difficult with out her. She just got back from spending a few days in Atlanta with her former roommate Amanda. She needed some time away from this mess and she seems refreshed and hopefully ready to begin a job search.
Mary is back at work and is walking around Lake Gracie again. Now that she is feeling better she is spending time helping her Mom go through treasures and prepare them for storage.
I work, ride the bike and work on this site. Not much different than I usually do. In fact not much different than we all do. Our Routines are back, but to our credit we are open to trying new things. Maybe our routines are just a comfortable place to be while we look for our next adventure? I like to think so.
Loosing a Teenager August 17, 2003
There was a strangeness in the house last night. The kind of strangeness that brings with it a restlessness, a time when sleep does not come easily - because something was different. It was as if there was a riff in the space-time continuum.
Of course I could admit that it was due to my deep concern for Mary and her continued healing from her recent illness and hospitalization (I can't spell diverticulitis). She is doing much better now - (and thanks to those that have called and asked about her). But somehow that didn't seem to be what was on my mind. This was more the signal of change - the end of something.
The morning brought an answer to the restlessness. I thought back to December 24, 1992 - a Christmas Eve, but as well it was Julie's 13th birthday. Mary and I now had a "teenager" living among us. A curiosity to be sure, and something Parents have dealt with for centuries and survived. As quietly as it came, the curiosity ended yesterday, August 16, 2003, as Jessie turned 20 years old. For almost eleven years we had a " teenager" in the house. Now that was over.
After a few deep breaths and a "Thank you Lord", I came to this conclusion: Proper preparation was all that was needed to get through those years. One can attribute success to a lot of different things. Good Parenting Skills, Luck, and Perseverance come to mind. Praying and begging for God's help, guidance and wisdom... that was my real preparation. He was faithful and we now have two wonderful young women because of it. I love you both,
with all my heart.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Searching July 22, 2003
Each of us at some time or another has lost something, and spent a great deal of time looking for that which was lost. I recall searching for things I had misplaced only to find them in the last place I looked. Funny how that happens. How frustrated we get when we can't put our hands on something that we just laid down for a moment, or put away for safe keeping only to forget where the safe place was. I have a few "treasure boxes" that upon examination puzzle me as to why I placed certain things in them. Like a brass screw, or a plastic fork. They must have been important for some reason. Then there are some articles that I store that are of sentimental value and importance, such a my grandfather Higdon's straight razor or my Golden Gem fruit knife that Mary's Father gave me in 1977 or 1978 as we rode through the groves and checked the citrus after a night of freezing weather. I don't have to search for them. I know where they are.
Lately I have been watching Mary search for something. It is illusive and difficult to describe. I am not wise enough , nor strong enough to help her find it. In fact I don't think she wants my help, yet I am as frustrated as if I myself had misplaced it. Would that I could give her what she is looking for. But I cannot. All I can do is ask God to help her find it. And I do, and He will. I am assured that He answers our Prayers.
Coming Home June 27, 2003
Just about 30 years ago, I completed my foray into higher education and came to Florida to spend time with Mom and Dad. They had adopted Florida as their home but I was still a Kentucky boy at heart, so in that since I didn't come home after college, just to Florida. I didn't start to claim Florida as home until I met and married the lovely Mrs. Carter. Even then Florida didn't own me. It took raising two wonderful daughters here for me to call Florida Home. After they departed for college in the Carolinas, Florida once again lost its' total claim on me.
Tonight Florida will regain some territory. Tonight Julie comes home to Florida after ending her undergraduate experience and fellowship at Davidson. I am waiting with great anticipation the opening of the door. Earlier this week I made a quick trip to Davidson to bring the bulk of her possessions home. This trip was one of the easiest I have made since the one we made six years ago that took her from here. Driving up I reflected on the changes that have occurred in my life since she left. She may not realize it yet, but I waited a long time for this trip. I realize too that things won't be the same, but that is fine. I have come to enjoy the company of my two girls, and the women they are becoming. We all change, in this case for the better.
In the last six years my best revelation is something I had heard for years, but never fully understanding, until she went to college. Simply this, Home is where the Heart is. No matter where they are, my heart is with them. But tonight my home is getting a lot bigger. Julie is coming Home.
Father's Day June 10, 2003
Sunday's is Father's Day. A tribute to fathers in America. A remembrance of my Dad and an unspoken thanks for his influence in my life. Dad passed away in 1979, just at a point in my life that I could have used his advice in my relationship with Mary. Dad was easy going and a hard worker. He worked long hours, but managed to remain connected to me and had the answer my questions. I loved him for that. Sure he made mistakes, but all things considered I was proud he was my Dad. I wish he were here now to give his advice on a myriad of things from childrearing to surviving menopause. I think he did a good job in both those areas.
I often wonder what areas I've screwed up in. I know a few, my marriage, my finances, and my career. The one area that I pray I haven't messed up too much is with my daughters. I have done what I could for them and will always be there for them, if they ever need to talk. Who knows maybe someday after they've been on their own for a while, they take a look back. But until then I hope they continue to look forward.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
It
May be Junk, But It's My Junk
May 18, 2003
Yesterday was our Great American Garage Sale or Gags for short. I think Gags is
appropriate for two reasons. First, Gags is the reaction you get physically when
you start going through your long stored stuff. In Florida little critters have
a way of getting into your stuff and leaving little reminders of their visit.
Some critters are a bit bigger and leave bigger reminders. So, preparing
and cleaning up for the sale makes you "Gag". The second meaning of
Gag is the response of those that come to get your stuff, by stealing it at
ridiculously low prices. How else could you describe someone trying to get you
to drop the price of a priceless Barry Manilow Album (genuine vinyl - 33
1/3 RPM) from the reasonable price of $.50 to the ridiculous price of $.25. I
mean is he joking? What a joke... a gag. But on the other side of the coin a
whole quarter for Barry Manilow. What guy in their right mind would pay that
much for Barry Manilow. (In the words of P. T. Barnum) "A sucker is born
every minute". OK, I took the quarter. I'm shameless I
know. Now I know your next question is "What was I doing with a Barry
Manilow Album?" That's another story. Let's just say I love my wife.
As the day wore on and I wore out, I began to watch people look at my stuff, passing judgment on my likes, raising their eyebrows, questioning my taste from years past. Who would buy such a thing? Where did that come from? It was almost insulting to me that those looking at it could be thinking that. (I know this because, I too have attend sales). So why am I not angry about it now? $omehow I gue$$ I am ju$t a graciou$ per$on. $urely a $weet $pecial guy like me can offer forgivene$$ to other$.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
10,000 Days
May 14, 2003
May 14, 2003 is a milestone for Mary and me. May 14th is the 10,000th day of our marriage. I'm not going to say that each and every day has been problem free. We are, after all, just human. I will say that a very high percentage of those days have created the most wonderful time of my life. Mary made them that way. I've got to admit that I loved her from the time I first met her. She always had a special something that took my heart captive and keeps it so to this day. I could not imagine my life with out her. She is beautiful, inside and out. The past years, while our daughters were under our roof she was the perfect Mother and Wife. She continues to be that same wonderful person to this day. I believe that any problems are largely attributable to me and my lack of understanding of how a man should cherish a woman. I know I didn't always make her feel secure, and God knows I've done plenty of stupid things in my life, most of which she forgave, even though I didn't deserve it.
I've come to realize that love changes as we get older. Expectations aren't always met in ways we want. That doesn't matter to me now. What I hope she realizes is that I've loved her everyone of those 10,000 days, and then some, the best way I knew how to and the best way I could. Maybe not perfectly, but the best I could. If God would grant me one request before I die, I'd ask for another 10000 days with Mary.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Aunt Hazel (or Walkin' in Memphis) May 6, 2003
My Dad's Oldest Sister is my Aunt Hazel. I haven't seen her in many, many years, but I think of her often. She is the last link to the Carter Family I grew up in. The only remaining child of Virgil and Dora. I confess that the thought of her passing someday brings a sadness to me. So tonight I am writing this small tribute to her.
She was born in 1908 and was 5 years older than Dad. She and Uncle Ralph had 4 beautiful daughters. Since they lived near Chicago, my recollections of her center around their visits to my grandparents. I remember Hazel being an elegant woman. She always seemed so refined to me. Funny, I always felt like a bit of a country hick, compared to her manner. I remember her as kind and thoughtful to me, making me feel a bit special when they came to Smith's Grove to visit. I liked them both, plus Uncle Ralph taught me the "secret Masonic handshake", even though he wasn't a Mason. I guess he got lots of laughs doing that.
I talked to Aunt Hazel a couple of years ago by phone. I was impressed at how sharp and witty she was. I liked that. I hope that some of the wit comes my way. It seems to run in the Carter Family, as does long life. A life lived well.
I'd like nothing more than to be in Memphis on July 12th to wish her a Happy Birthday. I think my Dad would like for me to do that. No promises but I'll be there, if not in person, then in Spirit.
Keep our service men and women in your prayers, along with our President.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Real Life Inspirations April 27, 2003
I look for inspiration in various places. Always! Especially when I feel my self lacking in some area. Tonight I needed some inspiration and I knew just where to find it. Let me tell you about it. One of the things I always imagined doing in my life was learning to play the guitar well enough to play along with a group. Not anything serious mind you, just for church or a small gathering. I felt like maybe I had something to offer, but figured it probably was just an unrealized wish. Besides I never had the kind of confidence to pursue it. Then our church came up with a "Night of Music". It gave those not involved in a music ministry a chance to give an offering of their "talents" to God. So I got a chance to be a "backup singer" and guitar player (of sorts) to the legendary Kirby Waters. (Wayne's stage name). That was fun and really more than met my desire to perform.
Then another Night of Music.... tonight.... was scheduled and as the group got together to see what they wanted to play, I suggested that we do an old gospel song I liked with a country flavor.. "Will there be any Stars in My Crown". After playing through it we decided to work on it as a possible if I would sing lead.. Now frankly my best singing performances are in the shower but never in public. Never. And it probably would have remained that way except for one thing. My sweet, shy Jessie showed me a thing about life, by the courage she displayed when she started singing for her Campus Outreach. If she could do it, maybe I could too. Just one difference.... Jessie can actually sing. But somehow I got through it (by the grace of God) . Whether it was good or not didn't matter. It was over. Not painful. Kind of fun.
Thanks Jessie for showing your ole' Dad the courage to try, and the inspiration to do. Thanks Wayne and Deanna and Hank. Thank you Lord for helping me find myself.
Keep our service men and women in your prayers, along with our President.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
What Might Have Been April 20, 2003
At some point during the day I find myself in a "what might have been" mode. I am sure most of us have had these thoughts. Most everyone at one time or another has had an opportunity to second guess a decision or choice they have made during their life. Whether it is a rethinking of career choice, a life partner, buying a home, or even wishing you had an opportunity to say something differently, we all have these times. I've reasoned through most of these and decided that there is only one that would change me to any degree.
Career choice isn't it, because I enjoy what I do. Life Partner isn't it either. I believe that Mary and I were meant for each other. What difference does a house make..... really? For me the real difference in my life would have come from the chance to say something differently. When I was a young man I didn't realize the power words have. "I love you" and "Will you marry me" had an awesome effect on me, but so have the cuts and jabs and unkind words I have uttered since then. "What might have been" if I had but realized that I could have gotten the message across with a kinder word, or better yet said nothing at all? I'm not advocating being a doormat. But the brief sharp tongue has never gained anything for me with the one's I love. It has only put a vast gap between us. For that I am sorry every day of my life. For that reason I play "what might have been". If I could control my tongue life could be better. Wisdom is knowledge applied. Now I know. The question is "Can I apply it?"
Keep our service men and women in your prayers, along with our President.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Going My Way? April 17, 2003
Sometimes, no matter how hard you try, things don't go your way. I have had a week like that. This week I made a mistake on a bid that resulted in not getting a major project. Of course the dressing down I received from my boss wasn't anywhere near the grief I put myself through. I was rougher on myself than anyone else could be. I have reworked the bid in my mind until I can recite the smallest detail. But it's too late to make the correction. The worst part was I let it eat at me until it showed it's ugly head to Mary. My preoccupation with my carelessness, lead to more carelessness. I reacted to a statement in a way I should not have. Of course I was instantly sorry, but it was too late, and apologies don't go as far as they used to. Why can't I control my thoughts and words? Could it be I am only human?
Spending more time working on the bid may or may not have eliminated the mistake. Anyway I cannot change the results of the bid. Once spending more time with Mary would have made a difference. I can forgive myself for the mistake on the bid, but when say something that is unkind to her, I am never able to forgive myself.
I should realize after all these years that nothing is worth causing her pain, whether or not things are Going My Way.
Keep our service men and women in your prayers, along with our President.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Freedom! April 9, 2003
Near the town of Sterling in Scotland is the Wallace Monument. William Wallace is hailed as the Father of a free Scotland, rallying his countrymen to take a stand against tyranny. Of course the statue of William Wallace seems to resemble Mel Gibson more than Julie and Jessie's 1st cousin 21 times removed. (His mother was a Crawford as was their Grandmother). Family relations aside he took a stand for FREEDOM!!!
Every once in a while I realize how fortunate we are as a country to enjoy the freedoms we have. Today as I was watching the various news channels, I caught a glimpse of some Iraqi men toppling a statue of Saddam with the assistance of an American tank. I flashed back to old newsreels of Allied Troops liberating Paris, and then to a scene in the 1980's in the German Socialist Republic or what we Cold War babies called East Germany. There atop the Berlin Wall were protesters. I sat in amazement as the protesters began chipping away at the wall with a sledge hammer. A very symbolic jesture, that led to the melting of the Iron Curtain. In my lifetime I had never seen such a celebration as given by those tasting freedom for the first time. Joyously dancing and embracing those on the free German side. It is too bad both the French and the Germans weren't willing to be a part of bringing freedom to other oppressed peoples.
But I saw it again today. Iraqi men joyously shouting and reveling in their release from tyranny. This was freedom as they had never known, many driving the point home by beating on the head of the fallen statue with their shoes, (as if to trample Saddam under their feet) A statement that they would no longer tolerate the rule of a tyrant. Many showed their feelings by spitting on a poster of Saddam. Over 24 years of oppression. I'll hold judgment on the looting. Maybe frustration.... by a few. But I hope for the sake of Iraq that they take the responsibility of Freedom seriously.....more so than the damn French do.
They have a monumental task ahead of them. They have the opportunity to build a nation that could be an example of what freedom is and can be in their part of the world. I wanted to say to each of them. Don't blow this chance.
Keep our service men and women in your prayers, along with our President.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
War, What is it Good For? April 5, 2003
My Dad once told me there was never a good war or a bad peace. (I don't think he would have spelled it that way.) He also told me some things I can't repeat, but I understand what he meant the statement. Dad went into World War II around 1942 when he was about 28 or 29 years old. He was an old man by a lot of standards, but not much different than a lot of our Guard and Reserve men and women in Iraq today. I relate this because it helps me put things in perspective, the lives that have been put on hold, so that a tyrant like Saddam can be toppled. What Dad meant was that no matter how noble and glorious the cause of Freedom and Liberty, there is always a price to be paid for it, most often by the very soul of those lives that are on hold.
Traditionally America has been the beacon of Freedom for all the world. Despite the unfortunate loss of American lives, unless we walk the talk of Freedom we are merely a house of cards. Sadly we don't recognize the loss of Freedoms and Liberty that we suffer every day. Stand up for freedom. Stand up for Liberty, everyday of your life.
Keep our service men and women in your prayers, along with our President.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Home Alone March 17, 2003
By the way Happy St. Patrick's Day to you. I wonder sometimes how much more drinking in Ireland there would be if the snakes had not been driven out?
This week Mary
and her Mom took a trip to Atlanta to visit Ann and Mike. Oh and of course Max
the puppy. I decided to take advantage of her absence and took a few days off
myself. I was faced with the painting the new french (I really
dislike the french people as a whole, so I'll just call them doors) doors we had
to install in the addition. Not being much of a painter I allowed three days to
complete the job. It took four days, including the cleanup. Painting is not
something that I can do quickly. Add to the preparation, the masking of 120
panes of glass, the prime coat and then the topcoat and you've got yourself a
pretty big job.
The advantage of being home alone allowed me to think uninterrupted. To think about my relationship with Mary and what I can do to make life better for her, for us as a couple. People don't often get to think about things for more than just a few minutes. But somehow as I mindlessly brushed on the paint, I was focused in thoughts of her. I can't say that I resolved anything, but I was able to advance some thoughts to a new and fresh perspective. I'll keep them to myself for now and maybe nurture them for a while. We'll see what happens.
Keep our service men and women in your prayers, along with our President.
By the way, this weekend I bought an American Flag to display at the house and show support. No big thing, but If my son or daughter were over there, I'd feel better knowing that my neighbors took time to show their support for them.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Visits March 10, 2003
The past two weeks have been both a strain and a delight. Of course work is as busy as it always is, and thus the strain. The delight is the short visits paid to us by our two wonderful daughters, each for a week.
Jessie was first. She was on spring break if you call a week in February spring. Having completed another successful term at Furman, she was ready for a little R & R, complete with a visit to the Mouse House with a group of friends. I was obliged to draw the map and directions for her to drive there. Surprise!!! She made it there and back with no problem. Oh a wrong turn on the Disney property but as I had told her, all roads lead to the Magic Kingdom. Besides that was a good opportunity for her to learn that she can do it on her own. She looked great, and I see more confidence in her all the time. But before long it was back to the books for her and she was gone all to soon.
Julie rolled in on Tuesday. As always full of life and adventure. I have been so impressed with her in the past two years, and I always enjoy our conversations. She has so much to say. Of course now we start thinking about what she will do now that her Fellowship is coming to an end. That is scary for her and she is a bit anxious about it. I know she will do fine, but nevertheless my prayers are with her. Her departure on Sunday morning came all to quickly, but I am glad she wanted to come home and grab a bit of Florida sunshine.
Mary and I are so wonderfully blessed with these young women.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Changes February 10, 2003
I've changed a lot in the last 30 years. My current attitudes and beliefs reveal the biggest changes. Chalk it up to maturity, getting older, or learning from experience but I am distinctly different from that 21 year old kid I remember. My highest priority of that time was having fun. I still like to have fun, but nowadays the fun is tempered with a bit of wisdom. Where did the wisdom come from? Some say that Wisdom comes from using good judgments, which comes from learning from bad decisions. I've made many bad decisions in my life and I have learned from most of them. I have come to believe that Wisdom comes from living. At 21 years of age I simply had not lived long enough to possess wisdom. I am humbled to think how much more wisdom I'll have in another 30 years of living. Does that mean a young person can't possess wisdom? Not at all. Living is the key to learning.
Even my belief in God has changed. Not that I didn't always believe in God, but the size of God has changed for me, or rather it is my understanding of God that has changed. As a statement of fact God never changes, He was, He is, and He will be. I am changing because of who He is, God did not change because of who I am! See how wisdom works?
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.
Confidence February 3, 2003
Mary and I always tried to instill confidence in our daughters. She and I have always believed in the girls abilities to succeed at what ever the set their minds and hearts to. And in that light, we always encouraged them to do their best at what they took on. Both of them are well on their way to leading successful lives. I see in each of them a developing positive attitude, based in part on their past successes, that drives them toward new challenges. Not that they don't have doubts at times about things, but with each challenge they gird themselves up and meet it head on. Success breeds success. Something completed and done well gives them the courage to try something else. They always give their best.
I want them to know and understand that the reason they should do their best is not so their Mother and I will be proud of them. No success or failure can diminish our feelings for them. Rather they should do their best for themselves. Whether a challenge is met with success or not, the knowledge that they did their best will leave them with no regrets and allow them to move to the next step.
Such is life, theirs, yours and mine. We must all strive for the next step. Not to complicate our life, but striving to be a mature person, uncomplicated by immature baggage that we should have been shed long ago. A growing confidence allows them to develop and leave the old baggage where it belongs.
And to my friends who remain, Thanks for stopping by.