Monographs 2010
Veteran's Day November 11, 2010
I know that November 11th is a sacred day. It is set aside as a remembrance of those who have and do serve our nation in our armed forces. I deeply respect those Soldiers, Sailors, Airmen, and Marines who have given of themselves to keep this nation free and safe. There is no repayment for the sacrifices they make. Thank you seems inadequate.
So , when you remember and acknowledge a Veteran’s service, take a moment a say a prayer for the mothers and fathers, the husbands and wives, and the sons and daughters of these Veterans. Acknowledge them as well. The burden of service is no less heavy for them or deserving of our thanks.
And to my friends who remain, thanks for stopping by.
Coffee To Go September 28, 2010
I was reminded by a friend yesterday that I am overdue to make an appearance in Asheville. I had promised to buy her a cup of coffee and take time to catch up with each other. I think she officially gave up on me doing that since I have only promised to do that since..... I think it was April, then May, and July. Now here it is almost October and I haven't been there yet. The shame of it all! In my defense....if I actually have one, I have tried on several occasions to make the trip, but it seemed that either I was traveling for work, my daughter (my host and keeper of the blow up mattress I like sleeping on) who has a life, was doing something or the visit would have overlapped one by my ex, which would have not been a good thing to force upon an unsuspecting city. So to date, I have not made the trip for coffee.
Fortunately there does not appear to be a shortage of coffee in Asheville, just a shortage of my presence there. I am hopeful of making a visit soon and being forgiven of these most grievous sins, a sin of omission and a sin commission. I have much to tell her about my life of late. All of which, because she is an longtime and dear friend will please her.
So, my friend, until you see me in Asheville, grab a coffee to go and know that I will be there soon.
And to my friends who remain, thanks for stopping by.
WWII Plus 65 Years September 3, 2010
I noticed that yesterday marked the end of World War II some sixty-five years ago, with the signing of surrender by the Japanese aboard the USS Missouri anchored in Tokyo Bay. This was a fitting place for the surrender to take place, a symbol of the sleeping giant that was awakened on December 7, 1941. In late July of this year I had the good fortune to go aboard the "Mighty Mo", silently moored in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii, and took advantage of the opportunity to stand at the exact spot where history was made. To trod the same deck that thousands of sailor have walked upon since the ship was built was an awesome experience for me. True there were some famous folks there on that day in 1945, some good military minds and diplomats for sure. But as I stood there surveying the exact spot where General MacArthur stood, the thought came to me, that what made us then and makes us a great nation today is the spirit and honor of the soldiers and sailors and Marines, that gave their sacrifice to preserve our nation. It is to them, whose sacrifice cannot be repaid, that I give my respect and thanks to on this day.
And to my friends who remain, thanks for stopping by.
On Autopilot August 25, 2010
Sometimes lately it seems that I go through life on autopilot. For the past year and a half things have seemed so mechanical for me. Its the get up, go to work, go home, go to bed kind of routine that seems to get you through the days. That probably has been good for me. I really didn't have to think about any thing except the routine and that didn't require much thought. I realize that as mundane as that sounds, it was not an idle time. Lots of reparative things were going on inside of me, some I was aware of and some that have surfaced only when the damage was repaired. Some Demons have been slain and others are near death and some are just now being challenged. I am sure there are one or two that have yet to show themselves.
In the last month or so I have noticed an evolution of sorts, a rejoining of the living world. I am taking risks, by putting myself back into the mainstream of events. The battles will continue and the outcome will be determined by my willingness to make my life full. I am adopting a Live, Love, Laugh, and Linger attitude towards my life. Live fully, Love deeply, Laugh loudly (and often), and Linger with those you care about and that care about me. It may not solve everything, but I believe it will take me off of autopilot.
And to my friends who remain, thanks for stopping by.
Timing is Everything August 22, 2010
I don't know that I ever considered my self to be lucky, I mean I haven't won the lottery yet. But then again maybe I am lucky in not having won it. All that money could change a person, although sometimes I think I like to try to manage that much change. But one thing I know for sure is that timing is everything. We have all witnessed with our own eyes how just a split second either way made a difference in the outcome of something. It applies in all phases of life. I can remember leaving the house late on my way to work only to come across an accident and think , "Wow if I had left on time, that could have been me, or if I hadn't gotten stopped for that speeding ticket I would have made that flight. So much for the practical.
More than these things , I have noticed that, most of the time, things don't happen until I am ready for it. No matter how I think I want it, the timing isn't right. Then, one day out of the blue, things fall into place. Each piece of the puzzle is revealed at the right time and an image is formed. No judgment on the image yet, but things start to focus. The funny part of all of this is that I didn't notice it yesterday, even though it was there in front of me. I just wasn't looking. Then I realize how things sometimes hinge on a single word and like a key to a locked door, things open, and I see clearly the potential. Maybe I am lucky.
And to my friends who remain, thanks for stopping by.
Quiet Morning Rides July 11, 2010
I decided last week to start riding my bicycles again only to find that the inner tubes would no longer hold enough air for me to ride them. No amount of pumping with that hand pump would raise the dial above zero pounds. So on the way back from the office one day, I stopped at a bicycle shop and on the advice of my bicycle mechanic/god, picked up a couple of new inner tubes, with no holes, rips or dry rotted places in them. And after a frantic moment of trying to locate my tools, I had those tires holding more air than a toddler throwing a tantrum. Like a kid at Christmas I had to take the bike for a test drive. Of course by that time it was dark so I could only ride easy around my no traffic cul-de-sac. Thus Easy Rider was rechristened and ready to roll.
I had Friday off this past week so I woke early, dressed and decided to take a spin to downtown to the post office to collect my letters and bills. Rode by my brothers office to say hello, and then back to the house where work awaited me. Saturday morning found me thinking another ride would be pleasant, so I followed the same route but I began to take note of the things going around me. This was fun and getting interesting. Sunday morning I woke early got dressed and decided the exercise would be good for me, and I mounted up and was on the road again. I avoided the main streets, opting instead for the quiet of the back streets. I heard a rhythmic swish, swish, swish on a side street and slowed to see someone actually using a broom to sweep the sidewalk in front of their house. In this modern day we are so accustomed to the roar of our leaf blower, that the quiet courtesy of a broom was out of place. I noticed it. I remember when everyone used a broom to sweep their sidewalks.
Later I stopped for a coffee at a local shop downtown, and locked the bike to a pole out front. As I sipped my coffee, a rain began to fall, soaking by bicycle and more specifically my bicycle seat. I remembered why I always carried a plastic shopping bag along on my summer rides to cover my seat. I went from being Easy Rider to Chief Wet Butt in seconds. No matter it felt good to be on the road again.
And to my friends who remain, thanks for stopping by.
One Year Later May 29, 2010
Up front, this is harder to write than most of what I have written in the past. I have started and backspaced everything from the screen of the computer at least a dozen times. I want it to be from a perspective that conveys the depth of what this past year has allowed me to go through. I want to also make sure that what I say is kind to all involved, but most of all, I will be kind to myself. I have written volumes of words that will never be published or even read by another human being. Every emotion I ever felt about her and the divorce found its way, to a page or a computer file......I have laid bare my very soul on paper, I have cursed others and blessed them on the same page. Each feeling found an outlet in my notebook and on my laptop only to fall victim to my paper shredder and my 35 pass DOD hard drive cleaner. Each emotion captured and released as it were.
After the divorce, I felt a loss that I was sure would kill me. Death would have been easier for me to accept, but would have left too many of my questions unanswered. So, I grieved, I cried, I forced myself to examine every space in my soul, with the goal of healing parts of me I didn't know needed healing. I have beaten myself bloody on so many occasions this year looking for answers to questions that only I could ask of myself. I have counseled with therapists, groups, friends and family to come to terms with it all. Issues and secrets from my life that have affected me as an adult were dragged from their dark hiding places for the last 48 years, and confronted with the light of truth. Those wounds are healed, but the scars remain as reminders. At least the bruises from the beatings in time will fade.
The grieving process is mostly finished. I do look back from time to time with a sadness for the loss, but that too will lessen with time. The people, the friends both new and the old that stood by, encouraging me, spending time with me, allowing me to go through the process, mean more to me than I can ever say. I am enjoying the new experiences life is showing me, and the direction my life is taking now make me realize how important the past year has been in allowing me to get to this point of healing. My eyes are no longer empty, there is a soul there again. This is the way it should have always been. A healthier, happy me.
And to my friends who remain, thanks for stopping by.
Putting the Boy Back in the Man February 23, 2010
One thing that I have learned from the last year of therapy, is that somewhere along the line in my marriage I lost the boy in the man. I have a couple of theories as to how he disappeared but the result is the same. I lost him there. Or maybe he was stolen. This isn't to say anything except that marriage changed me. It change me in so many subtle ways that when the divorce happened I didn't recognize me. I had lost my inner boy, that fun mischief maker that I loved for so many years. The laughing in my soul disappeared. I wondered why and how this happened. So I looked for him for almost the last year. I wondered where he had gone. Lately I began to see glimpses of that rascal, only to have him disappear again after feeling the effects of another hidden landmine. When those would explode, the boy would be off, seek cover and hide for a while, emerging when he again felt safe.
Then while reading a magazine tonight at the counselor's office, Good Housekeeping, (yeah I know irony when I see it), I ran across an article on maintaining relationships and this relationship advice from the actor Matthew McConaughey. I share it with both you guys and ladies in hopes that you both can learn a lesson from it. He said, "Sometimes when a woman falls for a guy, she asks him to change, (I take this to mean she subtly asks and not necessarily outright asks) and he changes so much that she loses her Huck Finn, the rascal in the man she fell in love with. Men are willing to change to make you happy - but don't completely take the boy out of the man. Your going to miss him."
It seems to me that when my boy changed to please her, I was the last one to miss him. If he decides to come back for good, I won't allow that mistake to happen again.
And to my friends who remain, thanks for stopping by.
Hawaii Needs a Chamber of Commerce January 18, 2010
From the Island of Oahu
Aloha to my family,
friends and others, significant or insignificant,
One of the sayings that I invented a long time ago is "Another day in
Paradise". Today was exactly that. What started out a bit of a grey
and cloudy day here in Paradise end up as an absolutely gorgeous day. This
morning I chose to drive to the North Shore of the Island of Oahu to Waimea. A
great thing about an Island is that you can get lost but you don't get too lost.
Thanks to my two thoughtful daughters and the Garmin I received for Christmas a
year ago, I have never been too lost.....as long as you keep it charged.
The hotel concierge seemed excited about my day trip and recommended a
stop or two along the way that sounded interesting. As soon as I was off the H-2
the scenery began to change to a rural countryside and I soon found myself
driving along a two lane road with a blazing speed of 35 miles per hour. I
understand that no one is in a big hurry here, which is kind of nice for a
change.
I stopped at a couple of "overlooks" to take a few pictures of the
awesome waves that were crashing on to shore. Quite a bit different than the
waves in the Atlantic at New Smyrna and St Augustine, that am used to. There was
a sense of power and strength that dwarfed the Florida Beaches. Some folks I
know might not have enjoyed it as I did not see the first shell anywhere. But
the views were awesome.
Now if you have read my web page you know that on a previous trip, I made a
significant contribution to alleviate the budget crisis here in Hawaii through
the Department of Motor Vehicles. At that time my more than generous
contribution was $132, an amount that allowed the government here to rehire two
furloughed workers, who by the way did not even say thank you very much.
Actually if they had thanked me they would have said Mahalo.... another
beautiful Hawaiian word. Anyhow today I saw the most breath taking view of
Waimea Bay and decided to pull off the road to get a better look. I crossed the
road and climbed over the guardrail to get out of the way of on coming cars,
snapped a few pictures and stood admiring the view for a minute thinking how
this was like the Master Card commercial.... "Awesome view of waves
crashing on to the beach.....priceless." Then I climbed back over the
guardrail to cross the road. As I did I saw that a car had pulled in behind me
and the fattest policeman I ever saw was making his way to the back of my car
(now named the pixeymobile because of the license plate number called to my
attention by the fattest policeman I ever saw....but I digress) with his ticket
book in one hand and his yellow number 2 pencil in the other. He began to write
as I approached and spoke.
I said, "Good Morning officer."
He said nothing.
I said, "Aloha officer."
He said, "I am still gonna write you a ticket."
I said, "So I see, but at least you can talk and be friendly while
you do it." (I haven't been arrested in Hawaii yet so I figured that was
the only other thing he could do to me).
I swear to you, I did not try to talk him out of it. He finished and handed it
to me as I asked," What am I was getting a ticket for?"
He told me, "It is because you couldn't read."
" Read?" I asked somewhat puzzled.
"The signs" he said.....
"What signs?" I asked.....
"The signs along the road." he said.
"What signs?" I asked again.
"The ones covered up by these bushes", he said pointing to a
previously hidden sign and then added..."Welcome to Paradise."
The view now had a price. "Awesome waves crashing on to the beach........$
50."
The view was worth it. And truly it was, Another Day in Paradise.
And to my friends who remain, thanks for stopping by.
Going Back to the Islands January 16, 2010
Aloha and Mahalo. The words just roll off my tongue. Hello or Good-bye and Thank You, Hawaiian style. I am among the very fortunate people on this planet when it comes to jobs. What I have been through is one of the reasons I decided to change what I did for a living. I found my self in a couple of ruts that just seemed to get deeper. The stresses I felt from the job I had found their way into the marriage and vice versa, making neither what I did nor the marriage healthy. There is a price for everything. Too late we learn. Or is it ever too late to learn?
There are a few reasons that I consider myself to be among the very fortunate. First I like what I do now. I enjoy who I work with, and I feel that maybe, just maybe, it makes a difference to others. It has done that for me. It had been a while since I looked forward to going to work. I do now. The job allows me to travel to unique places, and being the curious fellow that I am, I have been able to find some interesting and historical places to visit and study along the way.
The next trip will find me in the Islands for the third time. The past two visits, I have seen the monuments to those that lost their lives as we entered World War II, paid a couple of musicians to sing "Tiny Bubbles", and tasted everything that could possibly be made from pineapple. I have watched a volcano spew molten lava into the Pacific Ocean at night and walked on those lava flows. I help alleviate the state's severe budget crisis by adding $ 132 to the State of Hawaii's budget courtesy of Hawaii Department of Motor Vehicles and I have seen the sunrise from the Pacific and set in the Pacific on the same day. I can hardly wait for the next adventure that will find me.
I will have more to say, but for now it is Aloha and Mahalo......
And to my friends who remain, thanks for stopping by.
The Wind Cries Mary January 09, 2010
Reminders are everywhere. While driving down the road last night on my way to a rendezvous for well.....dinner and a show..., the old familiar song began playing on the radio. Immediately it took me back at least a year and the sadness of the words I remembered her saying. I listened. I remembered. Then I decided to put on some iPod music. Maybe a change of pace, something upbeat. The iPod was set to random play and the Hendrix version began playing again dragging me deeper into the mire. And as if twice weren't enough, it played a third time, this time the Jamie Cullum version from the Twentysomething Album that my daughter loaned me. Three times in less than 15 minutes. Not sure what the odds or the significance of that was, but I pay attention to three's. I am trying to figure it out.
Throughout the process music has helped ease me through. Music and single malt scotch. I listened but I didn't play. There was no music in me. So I just listened. It was as if I had been drained and needed to be refilled. Divorce at best is draining, at worst devastating. I am somewhere in between.
Jimi Hendrix wrote this song 40 or so years ago. Its words I could not understand then. Today they have a significance I could never dream of when we started the journey together. Another reminder for me that I am not there yet.
The Wind Cries Mary - Jimi Hendrix
After
all the jacks are in their boxes
And the clowns have all gone to bed
You can hear happiness staggering on down the street
Footprints dressed in red
And the wind whispers Mary
A broom is drearily sweeping
Up the broken pieces of yesterday’s life
Somewhere a queen is weeping
Somewhere a king has no wife
And the wind, it cries Mary
The traffic lights they turn up blue tomorrow
And shine their emptiness down on my bed
The tiny island sags downstream
‘Cause the life that lived is, is dead
And the wind screams Mary
Will the wind ever remember
The names it has blown in the past
And with his crutch, it’s old age, and it's wisdom
It whispers no, this will be the last
And the wind cries Mary
And to my friends who remain, thanks for stopping by.
Resuming Life Interrupted January 1, 2010
I know that I have talked a lot about the divorce these past few months to anyone that would listen. Talking just seemed to help. But talking leaves me worrying that I might say to much. It would be a shame to overburden friendships that have developed and been rekindled. And at some point life has to be resumed. So true to my New Years suggestions I am endeavoring to resume my life interrupted beginning today.
I will admit that lately I have had a bit of difficulty seeing and appreciating some of life's possibilities. Wonder why, knowing what I know, I didn't see it. I mean I know that I am not ready for a commitment yet but a bit of companionship from time to time....how could that hurt? And what's wrong with being friends first?
So as I resume my life, interrupted I find that there are some truths to go by.
 | No matter how independent people say they are, if they get alimony from you, they are still dependent on you. |
| Alimony is God's way of saying ex-wives are forever. |
| You will not please everyone. |
| Being yourself is more important than being what someone wants you to be. |
| Friends are important, spend more time with them. |
| Family loves you no matter what. |
| Life and people move on, for whatever reason. |
| Not all relationships are healthy for my heart, my mind, my soul, or my wallet. |
| There IS a difference between lust and love. One is natural the other is supernatural. |
| Self centered people wont ever be happy because it is all about themselves. |
| Loving and forgiving go hand in hand. If you don't forgive, you'll not find love. |
While the first two are so very true, dwelling on them makes me a bitter person, but the last one will bring me happiness.
This regularly scheduled life will now resume.
And to my friends who remain, thanks for stopping by.
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